First Reward and Punishment --

So.. Its deadline day. Last Monday I set a goal to lose 6 lbs by today. On Friday I was already down 3. I was so excited and I knew I could hit my goal.

Then came Sunday. And I blew it. I over ate. And I did not work out. So I gained back all I had lost. So I worked my little butt off and I ran and I lifted at the gym, and I thought I still had a chance.

But I was still 3lbs short.

As my punishment, I am selling a pair of my skinny pants. And I am SO sad about it. But, that is the choice I made when I chose to eat all of the sugar on Sunday.

I did come up with a new goal. I want to finish off the 6lbs by Sunday of this week. I KNOW I can do this.

If I get it done, I get to buy myself a new book.

If I do not get it done, I have to work in the yard for a half an hour every day next week. (WHICH IS HORRIBLE!)

So... Here goes more hard work!

My fire has been lit!

Something clicked in me this week. My fire was lit and I am ready to rock! Maybe this happened because I hit a really high weight on the scale. Maybe this happened because summer is right around the corner. Maybe this happened because I cannot fit into my pants any more. But it happened!!!

In the past I have tried reward charts. And they never seem to work. This week I found a reward system that speaks to me. Its not only a reward chart, its also a punishment chart.  Here my goal for this week and part of next week.

I want to: Lose 6lbs By: Wed the 16th.  When I reach my goal I will reward myself by: Buying myself a book from Barnes and Noble. If I do not reach my goal I will punish myself by: Selling a pair of my skinny pants online.

I feel like I should start out with a disclaimer. Yes I know that 6lbs is a lofty goal. However, its the first week I have started eating healthier. Its also the first week I am starting running again. So its not a crazy goal that is unreachable. In fact, I am already half way there, and I have not been able to work out like I want to.

I feel so inspired, and like I can actually do it this time!

I do have a list of goal weights and rewards. But I do not have a list of punishments. I want to choose them each time, to really keep me motivated.

Because I am started out again at my highest weight ever this quote is my theme:

Here is to an awesome 2014!!!

"Friday" Weigh in - And weekly Goals

Around November of last year, I hid my scale to it would know own me any more. I had become obsessed with the scale and what the number said, and I allowed that number to dictate my self worth. I believe I am finally in a place where that number will no longer rule me. So.. I got the scale out, and the number it showed we was shocking..

However, I did not let that get me down. I simply thought to myself.. well.. When I lose all of this weight, it will look even more impressive. Awesome, I have more weight to lose, and more to be proud of when it is gone. And my before and after pictures are going to be so much better!

I do want to admit that it is really hard for me to post this number. I really am opening myself up here and laying it all out in the open. Writing on a blog that anyone can read is very scary. However, I know that I have to take these risks, and allow myself to be vulnerable, or I will never grow.

So here goes nothing: 220.4.   (I weigh in first thing in the morning, wearing nothing but my skin and a smile. )

Now, I want to post about my goals and what I intend to do, so I never see that number again.

Goals for this week:

1. Work out every day. Even if it is just walk with my doggy. I want to do something every day. 
2. Eat clean Monday through Friday.  Nothing processed. Just good ol fashioned food. (Friday is Valentines day, and I am SO going out to eat on Saturday! )
3. Eat under 1500 calories a day. Which is actually a lot of food if you are eating clean.
4. Drink 100 oz of water a day. Not soda, not juice, not crystal lite.. just water. ( I will admit that I LOVE diet coke. I did quit caffeine, so I have been drinking caffeine free diet coke, and loving every minute of it.. but not this week.

I will report back mid week to let you know how I am doing. :) And every Friday, I am going to weigh in!

2014 is not going to be the year I become a new woman.. It is going to be the year that I find out who I am.

I wanted 2013 to be the year that my life changed. I was going to end the year a better wife. I was going to be skinnier, funnier, a better lover and home maker. And I was going to love life. I was going to own 2013.

Most of all, I wanted to be skinnier. I thought if I lost weight, everything else would fall into place. Losing weight was the key. So it was what I focused on!

I started out with a personal trainer and working out with him. But I was staying the same weight. He had me go to the Dr and then the endocrinologist. I was going to get skinny and I was going to use whatever was necessary to make that happen. I ate differently. I worked out differently. I took different medication. It was all for a good cause. It was going to be the year my life changed. I had to make sacrifices.

And sacrifice I did. I sacrificed my happiness. In the quest to become something else, I did in fact lose myself. I became obsessed with what I looked like. And more importantly, I judged myself by the number on the scale. The number on the scale would determine my mood. My self worth. My self esteem. That number owned me.

So much so in fact that when my weight went up I felt worthless.

The endocrinologist put me on a new medication and I had a terrible reaction to it. I gained a LOT of weight. Because the number on the scale kept going up, I stopped being happy. I stopped doing my hair. I stopped wearing make up. I stopped wanting to be with my husband. I felt ugly because of the number on the scale and why should I waste time putting on make up when I was just covering up an ugly body.

Work became a priority. It was one place that I felt like I could shine. So I started working long hours and taking on big projects. However, when I got home, I was grumpy and moody. And depressed. After work, all I wanted to do was lay around at home and read books or watch TV. I stopped talking to my friends, and I stopped going out on dates with my husband. I also stopped cleaning my house. And working out.

I also became jealous. Of everyone! Girls at work. Girls in Movies. Girls that I did not even know. And especially my husbands ex girlfriends. I would judge myself against them. And I was so critical of myself that I fell out of love with myself.

Looking back 2013 was a year that changed my life. It was one of the worst years of my life. I ended the year completely out of shape. Heavier than I have ever been before. Depressed, hating myself and wondering why my husband would even want to be with me.

So I decided to make 2014 different. Mid December, I took my scale out of my bathroom. I took down all of the “motivational” weight loss pictures I had hung up. I threw away all of the notes I had taken about previous weights and goals.

I wrote up a training schedule to get me back in the gym. I forced myself to wear make up and do my hair. I even started whitening my teeth. I also spend one whole day deep cleaning my house. And every night, I spend a few minutes and clean my house. I also work less. I am not staying late and I am not working from home. Its only been a few weeks since I have started this change, but I am feeling better already. I am doing things for me.

I am going to make 2014 the year that I fall in love with Paige. I am not going to worry once about what the scale says. I am going to work my butt off at the gym and I am going to eat healthy so I can feel good. And so I can run my half marathons and beat my fastest time.

2014 is not going to be the year I become a new woman.. It is going to be the year that I find out who I am. That I find the woman inside me.