First Reward and Punishment --

So.. Its deadline day. Last Monday I set a goal to lose 6 lbs by today. On Friday I was already down 3. I was so excited and I knew I could hit my goal.

Then came Sunday. And I blew it. I over ate. And I did not work out. So I gained back all I had lost. So I worked my little butt off and I ran and I lifted at the gym, and I thought I still had a chance.

But I was still 3lbs short.

As my punishment, I am selling a pair of my skinny pants. And I am SO sad about it. But, that is the choice I made when I chose to eat all of the sugar on Sunday.

I did come up with a new goal. I want to finish off the 6lbs by Sunday of this week. I KNOW I can do this.

If I get it done, I get to buy myself a new book.

If I do not get it done, I have to work in the yard for a half an hour every day next week. (WHICH IS HORRIBLE!)

So... Here goes more hard work!

My fire has been lit!

Something clicked in me this week. My fire was lit and I am ready to rock! Maybe this happened because I hit a really high weight on the scale. Maybe this happened because summer is right around the corner. Maybe this happened because I cannot fit into my pants any more. But it happened!!!

In the past I have tried reward charts. And they never seem to work. This week I found a reward system that speaks to me. Its not only a reward chart, its also a punishment chart.  Here my goal for this week and part of next week.

I want to: Lose 6lbs By: Wed the 16th.  When I reach my goal I will reward myself by: Buying myself a book from Barnes and Noble. If I do not reach my goal I will punish myself by: Selling a pair of my skinny pants online.

I feel like I should start out with a disclaimer. Yes I know that 6lbs is a lofty goal. However, its the first week I have started eating healthier. Its also the first week I am starting running again. So its not a crazy goal that is unreachable. In fact, I am already half way there, and I have not been able to work out like I want to.

I feel so inspired, and like I can actually do it this time!

I do have a list of goal weights and rewards. But I do not have a list of punishments. I want to choose them each time, to really keep me motivated.

Because I am started out again at my highest weight ever this quote is my theme:

Here is to an awesome 2014!!!

"Friday" Weigh in - And weekly Goals

Around November of last year, I hid my scale to it would know own me any more. I had become obsessed with the scale and what the number said, and I allowed that number to dictate my self worth. I believe I am finally in a place where that number will no longer rule me. So.. I got the scale out, and the number it showed we was shocking..

However, I did not let that get me down. I simply thought to myself.. well.. When I lose all of this weight, it will look even more impressive. Awesome, I have more weight to lose, and more to be proud of when it is gone. And my before and after pictures are going to be so much better!

I do want to admit that it is really hard for me to post this number. I really am opening myself up here and laying it all out in the open. Writing on a blog that anyone can read is very scary. However, I know that I have to take these risks, and allow myself to be vulnerable, or I will never grow.

So here goes nothing: 220.4.   (I weigh in first thing in the morning, wearing nothing but my skin and a smile. )

Now, I want to post about my goals and what I intend to do, so I never see that number again.

Goals for this week:

1. Work out every day. Even if it is just walk with my doggy. I want to do something every day. 
2. Eat clean Monday through Friday.  Nothing processed. Just good ol fashioned food. (Friday is Valentines day, and I am SO going out to eat on Saturday! )
3. Eat under 1500 calories a day. Which is actually a lot of food if you are eating clean.
4. Drink 100 oz of water a day. Not soda, not juice, not crystal lite.. just water. ( I will admit that I LOVE diet coke. I did quit caffeine, so I have been drinking caffeine free diet coke, and loving every minute of it.. but not this week.

I will report back mid week to let you know how I am doing. :) And every Friday, I am going to weigh in!

2014 is not going to be the year I become a new woman.. It is going to be the year that I find out who I am.

I wanted 2013 to be the year that my life changed. I was going to end the year a better wife. I was going to be skinnier, funnier, a better lover and home maker. And I was going to love life. I was going to own 2013.

Most of all, I wanted to be skinnier. I thought if I lost weight, everything else would fall into place. Losing weight was the key. So it was what I focused on!

I started out with a personal trainer and working out with him. But I was staying the same weight. He had me go to the Dr and then the endocrinologist. I was going to get skinny and I was going to use whatever was necessary to make that happen. I ate differently. I worked out differently. I took different medication. It was all for a good cause. It was going to be the year my life changed. I had to make sacrifices.

And sacrifice I did. I sacrificed my happiness. In the quest to become something else, I did in fact lose myself. I became obsessed with what I looked like. And more importantly, I judged myself by the number on the scale. The number on the scale would determine my mood. My self worth. My self esteem. That number owned me.

So much so in fact that when my weight went up I felt worthless.

The endocrinologist put me on a new medication and I had a terrible reaction to it. I gained a LOT of weight. Because the number on the scale kept going up, I stopped being happy. I stopped doing my hair. I stopped wearing make up. I stopped wanting to be with my husband. I felt ugly because of the number on the scale and why should I waste time putting on make up when I was just covering up an ugly body.

Work became a priority. It was one place that I felt like I could shine. So I started working long hours and taking on big projects. However, when I got home, I was grumpy and moody. And depressed. After work, all I wanted to do was lay around at home and read books or watch TV. I stopped talking to my friends, and I stopped going out on dates with my husband. I also stopped cleaning my house. And working out.

I also became jealous. Of everyone! Girls at work. Girls in Movies. Girls that I did not even know. And especially my husbands ex girlfriends. I would judge myself against them. And I was so critical of myself that I fell out of love with myself.

Looking back 2013 was a year that changed my life. It was one of the worst years of my life. I ended the year completely out of shape. Heavier than I have ever been before. Depressed, hating myself and wondering why my husband would even want to be with me.

So I decided to make 2014 different. Mid December, I took my scale out of my bathroom. I took down all of the “motivational” weight loss pictures I had hung up. I threw away all of the notes I had taken about previous weights and goals.

I wrote up a training schedule to get me back in the gym. I forced myself to wear make up and do my hair. I even started whitening my teeth. I also spend one whole day deep cleaning my house. And every night, I spend a few minutes and clean my house. I also work less. I am not staying late and I am not working from home. Its only been a few weeks since I have started this change, but I am feeling better already. I am doing things for me.

I am going to make 2014 the year that I fall in love with Paige. I am not going to worry once about what the scale says. I am going to work my butt off at the gym and I am going to eat healthy so I can feel good. And so I can run my half marathons and beat my fastest time.

2014 is not going to be the year I become a new woman.. It is going to be the year that I find out who I am. That I find the woman inside me.

Reasons to Lose Weight

 I am starting out this week with all of the reasons I want to lose weight!


Happy
Confident
Sexy
Proud
Finally Dress in my style
Run a half in less than 2 hours
To make Tye "Randy Baby"!
Wear Swimming Suits
Love Shopping
Love Myself
Believe that others can love me
To get double looks
ABs!
To have self control
Be an example to future kids
Become a better me
Be Disciplined
Wear a little black dress and rock it
Make a promise to myself and keep it
Beat my Fears
Shove it down the throat of everyone who said I couldn't
To shut up the judgy bitches
Live Longer
Clearer Skin
better Sex
More Sex
Vacation pictures I am proud of
Become an Athlete
To have a transformation Picture
Take up less space
136!!!
To shut myself up
Feel beautiful
feel beautiful without Make up
To look Hott in pants!
To not be the fat friend
Confidence
master myself
to be able to control my appetite
to win
not let the scale scare me
fit into all of my clothing
When I dress up make Tye's jaw drop

It shouldn't be this hard...

I feel like there are 5 catagories in my life.

Excersize
Eating healthy
Work
House work
Husband

At any given time.. I am rocking two of those.  Most of the time Work and Hubby come first. I need my job and I do not even want to think about living my life without my Husband. This means that Working out, Eating Right and Cleaning my house are being neglected.

When I try and add in a third, for about a week, I am ok. Then one of the 5 goes to crap. I will start to get behind at work, by man.. my house is clean and my hubby is happy and I have worked out 5 days in a row.  Or I will get really caught up at work and feel like I am a rock star, and my house is a wreck and I have eaten McDonalds and Pizza... And working out... Ain't no body got time for that!

I don't even have kids yet... Imagining adding kids to that list makes me panic. 

Right now I am trying to find out the magic ingredient to having all 5 categories of my life working at once. I do not know how to make everything work. 

Two weeks ago I was doing pretty good. I swam, did 2 spin classes, ran for an hour, biked for an hour, lifted three times. But I did not watch what I ate and I was getting a little behind at work. I felt like I could add in eating healthy and still be ok. I felt like I was going in the right direction. I was so motivated to start eating good!!

Last week I taught sewing classes on Monday night from 6 pm until 1 Am and I went to bed with a terrible headache. I woke up with a full blown migraine on Tuesday Morning. I worked from 7 am until 1 pm and then I could not handle it any more. I went home and went to bed. Wednesday, my headache was still there. So after working a full day, I cam home and rested. Thursday I ended up getting a huge project at work that needed to be done right away, so I worked from 7 am until 8:45 pm. I ate McDonald's for lunch and pizza for dinner. So much for eating healthy. Friday I was spent... and rested after work.

Me at work the day I had a migraine. Yuck! It was a terrible day!

 That is an example of how one part of my life will take over the rest will go to crap. Work took over and it was amazing how fast I dropped working out and dropped eating healthy.

I feel like once I figure out how to juggle all parts of my life.. I will finally be able to lose weight and keep it off. The problem is.. how!!

If anyone has any advise on this.. Let me know.

Monday Weigh in-- On a Tuesday, but posted on Wednesday.

Some times life gets so busy, that before you know it... its Wednesday night and you still have not posted about your Monday morning weigh in.

My weigh in was what I thought it would be. TERRIBLE! I do not remember the whole number, but it was in the 214s. YIKES! I forgot to take a picture, and I wanted to forget about that number. So I am... I went to the gym and I worked my butt off and I watched what I ate... and on Tuesday.. this is what I saw:

WOO Hoo!! That gives me hope that I will reach my goal of under 210 this week. I just need to keep pushing myself. 

So far weight lifting has been great. I really like to get in there and push myself. Its nice to feel sore the next day and know that you did that. You can do hard things and you can work hard.  Here I am doing some pull downs.

Today was a cardio day and I spent an hour on the treadmill and an hour on the bikes... and I am one sleepy girl. So I am going to head to bed. I have an early morning spin class to get my behind to. :)

Sunday Follow up of Goals - Yuck

Well.. Its Sunday. Time to follow up on my goals and see how I did. Goals in black, results in Purple.

• Track all of my calories in.  I want to be between 1500 and 2000 calories a day. I did super good... the first two days.  After that.. I totally stopped tracking! I need to do better on this!
• Work out at least 5 times. 3 weight and 2 cardio. I lifted weights 4 times, and no cardio. I have having the hardest time getting back on the treadmill. Never before has it been the DREAD mill until now.
• Be under 210 by next Monday. I am not sure yet... but I have a feeling its not happening. Birthday parties and going out to eat right before a weight in, not good.
• Drink 100 oz of water daily.  WATER folks. NOT DIET COKE. Oh gosh.. I love my soda. But that love affair is over.  I just about killed this one... I drank water every day. And lots of it. Until Saturday. I spent most of my Saturday teaching crafting lessons for my church group. Fun day, but i HAD to have my diet coke to get me through.
• Check in with my blog at least twice this week.  Yipes... Failed at this one.
• Monthly Inches goal: I want to lose at least an inch and a half from my stomach and a quarter of an inch from my thighs and hips. - I am not sure yet.. But if I do not get my butt in gear.. I will not hit this goal.

Overall synopsis.  Uh Oh. I failed at week one. I did really good at lifting weights, but terrible at tracking what I ate and cardio. (Only the two most important things) So, I had to come up with a plan to keep me on track for this week.

I decided to plaster my phone with pictures of my goal. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know that its Jessica Biel. She is the same height as me, and I believe we have the same body type. She is just 80 pounds smaller than me. (Well... that and she is married to JT. *sigh.. he is funny and good looking*... )  She is my screen saver on my phone and I downloaded 20 or so pictures of her that I can look through when I get a craving for a donut. Or a cookie. Or ice cream. I could go on all day.

Some day I will rock an outfit like her. I wear them all the time to work out now... but..  I do not look as good as she does in them... YET!

 
Plan number 2 - Do my cardio before I lift. I have the C25K app on my phone and I am going to use it to run faster. I can already run for long distances... but not fast. My goal over this winter is to be able to run a 5 k in 27 Minutes. So, every time the app tells me to run, I am going to sprint. When it tells me to walk.. I am going to job.

I do want to take a second and congratulate myself on the good things I did this week. I kicked butt in the gym when it comes to weights. I was there around 45 minutes every day lifting. And when I lift... I go ALL out.  My little bro has lifted weights consecutively over the last 8 years and he is a pretty buff guy. Well, I put him through my work outs and he could not pee or sneeze without feeling pain. It was Awesome! I also was pretty darn sore all week. I love knowing that I can push myself and do hard things.

I also drank a TON of water this week. Which means I had to pee constantly. But it was worth it. I found that I was starting to crave water and not diet coke, and water was actually starting to taste good to me. For a long time, I hated water. I am learning that I hated water, because I never drank it. I did not know what I was missing out on.

I am scared about tomorrows weight in... EEEKEKKK!!!

Monday Nov 4th Weigh In - And Monthly Measurements

Today is the big day. I woke up full of dread and excitement.   Dread because I have to see what I have done to myself. No more hiding the scale and wearing baggy clothes.

And excited because its the start. As long as I keep working on this, there is only one place I will go. Down. Down in inches and weight that is. :)

So... here goes nothing.

Weight: 212.6 Pounds

Neck: 13.25"
Bicep: 14"
Forearm: 10.5"
Wrist: 6.25"
Chest: I never measure my chest. It changes with the moon, and with whatever bra I am wearing.
Stomach: 38"
Waist: 43"
Hips: 47.25"
Saddle: 44.75"
Thigh: 28.5"
Calf: 16.5"

Now for my goals for the week and month.

• Track all of my calories in.  I want to be between 1500 and 2000 calories a day.
• Work out at least 5 times. 3 weight and 2 cardio.
• Be under 210 by next Monday.
• Drink 100 oz of water daily.  WATER folks. NOT DIET COKE. Oh gosh.. I love my soda. But that love affair is over. 
• Check in with my blog at least twice this week. 
• Monthly Inches goal: I want to lose at least an inch and a half from my stomach and a quarter of an inch from my thighs and hips. 

And just for fun.. here are a few pics of me on Halloween.I work in the accounts department and we decided to go as the Sons of Account-archy for Halloween.

I am 4 over on the left. I have the Ducati jacket on.

I am second over on the left. Short Hair with leather chaps.

Jumping Back In - Before the New Year Even!

The last few months have been really rough. Hormone treatments, sprained ankles, half marathons without training, and worst of all I went up in inches, and I gained weight. The inches are worse than the weight!  I gained 18 lbs, and I went up SO many inches. My waist is 7 inches bigger. My thighs are each 3 inches bigger. I had to get new pants, new shirts, and there is nothing from my old closet that fits. And they were already my fat pants.

I have tried my best to keep my chin up and look to the future and know that all of the treatments we are doing now will help me... but then....

This morning I found stretch marks on my tummy! AAHAAHhh... YIKES! 

So I decided that I was done with all of the hormone treatments. I am done with feeling yucky. I am done gaining weight. I am for sure done growing in size. I am done hating my body. I am done with stretch marks. I am done buying new clothes. I am done feeling insecure. I am done huffing and puffing.

And I am going back to the gym. I am going to run like I did before. I am going to lift more than ever before and I am going to lose these pounds and these inches. Most importantly the inches. I am going to start loving myself. I am going to make myself proud. I am going to start wearing my old clothes. I am going to start turning heads when they see the incredible shrinking woman.

Its all starting on Monday. I will post my weight and I will post my inches. And I will say goodbye to all of my dignity. And I will dig in and get going. And I will post my weekly goals.

The best part of all:  I found a new work out buddy. My little brother. In the past we have had a rocky relationship, and I am hoping this will mend the broken bonds.

Normally at this time of year, I will wait and start a new work out regiment at the beginning of the year, but the stretch marks did it for me. I cannot let that happen to my body. I have to start doing something right away.

So here we go!