The emotions of losing weight!

This past week has been very real for me. And very tough. I wish I was this super human that could be motivational every day and never have sad feeling and always lose weight! I wish I could make changes in my own life that will motivate others to become a better person... It's just not happening. I am human.

I keep remembering how in elementary school no one wanted to spider with me on the swings. Why... I was too big and even if I was on the bottom, the swing would still pinch their legs. They wanted to find someone smaller.

In case you don't know what spidering on a swing is... Here you go.. Only imagine innocent little kids...

I keep remembering how in middle school I was made fun of in PE. I was called cow, and whale and I was never chose to be on the team. I was always the last choice. Who wants the chubby kid on their dodge ball team or on their kick ball team.

In high school when we all jammed into the back of the car I was on bottom. I always had two of my friends sitting on my lap. Because I took up the most space, and I was the heaviest. And I could not sit on anyone's lap.

I also only got asked on three days in High School. Two out of three were pity dates. And the third one was a man whore guy who wanted to get with his teachers daughter.

Picture of me in high school. I am in the middle of the picture in a red plaid shirt.

My first year in collage I was not asked on a single data. While all of my roomies were going on dates and coming home stary eyed... I was getting strait A's and working on keeping my full ride scholarship.

After collage I started dating on line and I turned into a slutty type girl. I figured if I could get a guy to pay attention to me, I would do just about whatever he wanted to keep him around. I really did have self esteem issues. And I had no idea how to love myself.

I finally got myself figured out and I had some self respect... and I met my neighbor. He thought I was fun, but was not attracted to me at all. I was SO not his type. We became best friends and eventually he decided he wanted to date me. When we got engaged I over heard him talking to a mutual friend. He said: "I have dated some gorgeous girls... super hott girls. Paige is not the best looking girl that I have dated by far, but I know she is the one for me because of who she helps me to become and how great of a person she is." 

Me and my hubby when we first started dating

All of these memories have been running though my head all week. I am so sick of being the fat girl. The girl of his dreams... except for how I look.

I am desperate to lose this weight. I want to NEVER have feelings of worthlessness because of my weight. I never want to be held back ever again.

I am a roller coaster of emotions. I have cried, and laughed and been angry all within hours of each other as I struggle with the scars of my past. Losing weight is more emotional than I ever thought it would be.

I PASSED!! And.. Friday Weigh In.

I was pleasantly surprised when I weighed in this morning and I was at 192.4. And I was in a hurry and forgot to take a picture!! But I am stoked!!! I am almost out of the 190's. My goal is to be out by next week!!!

I will say that my biggest accomplishment of the week is saying no to unhealthy food. Let me show you some photographic proof of how awesome I am!!

We had a baby shower at work... and here is HALF of the table. The other half of the table was equally full of food that I wanted to eat.  Ok... ok.. I wanted to bathe in that food. I believe I was lusting after that food. and yet the only thing that I took... was a picture!

 While everyone in the company was stuffing their faces with delectable treats... I made myself a chicken and strawberry salad with some poppyseed dressing. And it was SO yummy! (It was no donut... but it was tasty) And I was so proud of myself for saying no and being strong.

 I had people coming up to me all afternoon letting me know how proud of me they were. It was awesome!

I also started training for my half marathon on June 15th. And so far... my times are slow.. but I have not missed a day! BAM! I feel like I am killing it this week!

 

I saw this picture about running... and I fell in love with it! Its so true! When I can shut down my brain, I can run farther than I can when I am mentally dragging myself down. 

Next week I will talk more about what I am eating and why I am eating it. So all you girls who have poly cystic... tune in! It will be great info for you. :)

Friday Weigh in -- and catching up on everything I missed

I bet you all thought that I had died... Nope. I have just been busy. And in a slump. That happens to real people from time to time. :)

Here are a few things that I have been doing since the last time I posted.

I ran a valentines 5K with my friend Ashely. When I woke up... there was snow everywhere. Luckily there was not too much snow on the ground during the race.  We even bought matching pink jackets! Aren't we cute. (Minus how bright it was.. and we were all squinty eyed in all of our pictures.

Me and the hubby got matching tattoos. We both got white bands on our wedding fingers. I need to get it touched up and then I will take a better pictures to show you. But.. here i am getting worked on. It did not hurt at all. Maybe I am super tough.. or maybe my awesome tattoo guys is awesome... or maybe both. :)

I also played with my cute dog.

Made a baby quilt for a friend... and its adorable.

 And last but not least... I lost some weight! Woo Hoo. For the Month of February I lost 5.2 lbs. Hurray!!

I also hired a nutritionist. I have my second meeting with him tomorrow. I will admit that I am not strong enough to do this on my own. I need someone to help me. To tell me that I can keep going. I need someone that can see my potential and help me believe in myself.

I will meet with him twice a month and just check in to see how I am doing with my eating. I kid you not.. watching what you eat is how you lose weight. Working out will tone your muscles, but eating right will make you skinny. I have been working out for years. Running half marathons... lifting weights. and I have never lost more than 20 lbs. And then I will start eating like a porker again and bam... I would gain all of the weight back.. even though I was still working out. 

Hopefully with the help of a professional, and a LOT of hard work... I can make a lasting change!

Friday Weigh in

The last two weeks have been horrible. Lets re-cap.

Monday - Friday of last week.--- The FLU and aunt Flo.
Saturday - Tuesday -- Migraine Headache and Terrible snow storm.
Wednesday - My Husbands grandmother passed away and snow storm Still raging on.
Thursday - Made dinner for my neighbor. Ever made a double batch of spaghetti in a hurry... My kitchen looked like I murdered someone.Then spent most of the night cleaning up the disaster that I made.
Friday - Forgot about an early company meeting and panicked this morning when I only had 15 minutes to get ready.  So I weighed in, but I was half way dressed and much to busy to take a picture of the scale.

It read: 199.0  Boo.. I'm up a little... but I am not that surprised. With everything that has been going on... I am lucky if I have time to make my lunches or grab something healthy. I have been eating out of vending machines, and living in the drive thru.

Normally, I would be really upset and I would want to quit. However, I feel like something has finally clicked in my head.. I really want this and I want to keep going. No giving up. A year from now I want to look back and be proud of myself.

Here is a picture of me driving to work in the snow storm. Yep... I'm driving and taking a picture on my phone. 

This was the view on the way to work this morning. Looks like mother nature is trying to make up for all of the crappy weather last week. Also driving and taking a picture on my phone. 

On a bright note, I found the lean cuisine salad additions and they are SO yummy. And so healthy. I am for sure going to have to stock up on them. Its like a lean cuisine microwave meal, but you provide the lettuce and turn a blank salad into something awesome.

Here is hoping that everyone has a great weekend... and that things start looking up around here. :) 

Friday Weigh in...

Hey all... Its Friday and I should have weighed in this morning... But I didn't. I'm still sick...

Truth is... Today I don't care.

I got up and I wanted to get to work as fast as I could so I could get my work done and get home. Last night I went to bed at 7 pm and I did not wake up until 7 am this morning. My nose is a faucet... and the sinus pressure in my head is killing me. Slight fever.

Ok.. so I am a little dramatic when I get sick and all of my self control goes out the window. So I eat like crap.. which makes me feel even more yucky. Then I eat more crap cause I feel yucky... which makes me feel worse.  Essentially.. I just wallow in my sickness. :)

I am hoping to feel enough better by tomorrow that I can go and run for a little while. We will see....

Here is a picture of sick little me...   My eyes are glazed over.. my nose red... and WOW.. my mirror is dirty... :)

But here I am. In all my sick glory. 

Next week will be better. I will be feeling better and I will be back to kicking butt and taking names. :)

Recipe For Being Grumpy

Here is a recipe on how to be Grumpy. Or as I call it... Crusty.  Its top secret... :) And if you do follow the recipe... make sure you follow all of the steps. That way you will achieve 100% success.

1. Make sure everything at work is really busy!
2. Make sure people keep asking you the same questions.
3. Get a sinus infection.
4. Have an upset stomach.
5. Have a sore throat.
6. Invite your Auntie Flo over for the week.
7. Gain weight because of being sick and Aunt Flo.

BLLAHAHHA... This week blows. And its only Tuesday.

I am going to leave work early, go to the dr and then go home and watch tv.

Weigh in Friday

So...  On the 14th of January I started over and started working out and eating right. I was 203.2 pounds. Today I am:

So I am down... 5.2 POUNDS in two weeks! I am so excited. What a great start!!!

What have I been doing to lose that weight...  Using my start charge of course! I have been lifting weights at the gym and I have been doing the c25k training program. But I am using it for interval and speed training. So during the run portion I usually run about 7.5 mph and during the walk period I try and go 5 mph. Its killer tough! But I am getting faster.

I also designed a shirt. I designed them on VistaPrint.

I love it!!!!  It describes me perfectly! And probably most of you.

Hope you guys all have a great weekend and Stay strong!! We can do this!

Weight Loss Star Chart

In my last post I promised you that I would post the start chart that I made so I could be accountable for the choices I am making. And to keep me incentavised. Well.. here it is.

The pink spaces are mandatory. The white spaces are optional. If you miss a pink spot you are responsible to make up for it with one of the white spots. If you miss more spots than you can make up.. then you do not get a prize. :( womp womp. 

Day one has been pretty rough so far. I want a sugary snack so bad I could punch a puppy. However, I am resisting because I know it will get harder to resist through out the week and I only have 500 sugar calories per week.  But I can say that its working. I want to get all of my stars!

If any of you want a copy of this chart, let me know and I will post the actual JPEG that I created so you can download it.

In other news... I got my hair did. :) Just added in some highlights... but I LOVE it. Its nice to change it up from time to time.

Thats all I have for you today.. but remember... DEMAND MORE OF YOURSELF! Because you are worth it!

Being accountable.... :(

So.. its time I am accountable to everyone. Its time I explain why I have been avoiding writing anything about weight loss....

I lost my mojo. I lost my drive. I lost my willpower. I ate like a crazy woman... and I am paying for it now.

My grand finale weight after November and December is 203.2. YIKES!!!  Its embarrassing! and it means that I have to start over.

But do you know what else this means.... It means that I am HUMAN! I made some mistakes. I fell down. However... I am getting back up and I am using my mistakes to push me in the right directions. And as long as I never give up.. then I never will fail.

So.. what are my goals and plans for the future...   

• I want to lose 50 lbs this year. That will put me around 150 and that would be AMAZING!!! 
• I want to beat my fastest half marathon time. 
• I want to start training for a full marathon.  .
• I want to become strong and look very toned

How am I going to obtain those goals:

Me and my friend Ashley are starting out slowly and we are making ourselves a daily to do and daily not to do list. Here is what it includes:

• No eating after 7 pm
• Drink 100 oz of water a day
• Only 1 cheat meal a week
• 500 calories of Sugary yummyness a week
• Lift/cross train 4 times a week
• Run three times a week, and push ourselves to run faster
• Overall Healthy choices and watching what we eat

If we can do all of that for the rest of January, then we get to go get a pedicure. If we make it all the way to the end of February, then we get to go buy a new pair of pants.

I will post a picture of my star chart when I have it built!!  


Why to I want to hit those goals: 

• So I can buy and wear cute clothes. Right now, I never buy cute clothes.. because they either do not look good on me, or I do not want to spend money on clothes when I plan on getting smaller soon. 
• I want to boost my self esteem. 
• I want to love myself more. 
• I want people to look at me and think I am athletic. Right now, people see me and they would have no idea that I can go and run, and I can lift weights with the best of them. 
• I want to look like the person that I feel like I am on the inside. 
• I want to treat myself better. 

Can I just say how excited I am to get the ball rolling. To have a goal and to have the actions in place to hit that goal. And to have a buddy/friend that will help me make it. As she inspires me to get fit and skinny, I hope to inspire her to become a runner.

Here is to another new start. :)

So not true... but very funny!