Monday, January 6, 2014

2014 is not going to be the year I become a new woman.. It is going to be the year that I find out who I am.

I wanted 2013 to be the year that my life changed. I was going to end the year a better wife. I was going to be skinnier, funnier, a better lover and home maker. And I was going to love life. I was going to own 2013.

Most of all, I wanted to be skinnier. I thought if I lost weight, everything else would fall into place. Losing weight was the key. So it was what I focused on!

I started out with a personal trainer and working out with him. But I was staying the same weight. He had me go to the Dr and then the endocrinologist. I was going to get skinny and I was going to use whatever was necessary to make that happen. I ate differently. I worked out differently. I took different medication. It was all for a good cause. It was going to be the year my life changed. I had to make sacrifices.

And sacrifice I did. I sacrificed my happiness. In the quest to become something else, I did in fact lose myself. I became obsessed with what I looked like. And more importantly, I judged myself by the number on the scale. The number on the scale would determine my mood. My self worth. My self esteem. That number owned me.

So much so in fact that when my weight went up I felt worthless.

The endocrinologist put me on a new medication and I had a terrible reaction to it. I gained a LOT of weight. Because the number on the scale kept going up, I stopped being happy. I stopped doing my hair. I stopped wearing make up. I stopped wanting to be with my husband. I felt ugly because of the number on the scale and why should I waste time putting on make up when I was just covering up an ugly body.

Work became a priority. It was one place that I felt like I could shine. So I started working long hours and taking on big projects. However, when I got home, I was grumpy and moody. And depressed. After work, all I wanted to do was lay around at home and read books or watch TV. I stopped talking to my friends, and I stopped going out on dates with my husband. I also stopped cleaning my house. And working out.

I also became jealous. Of everyone! Girls at work. Girls in Movies. Girls that I did not even know. And especially my husbands ex girlfriends. I would judge myself against them. And I was so critical of myself that I fell out of love with myself.

Looking back 2013 was a year that changed my life. It was one of the worst years of my life. I ended the year completely out of shape. Heavier than I have ever been before. Depressed, hating myself and wondering why my husband would even want to be with me.

So I decided to make 2014 different. Mid December, I took my scale out of my bathroom. I took down all of the “motivational” weight loss pictures I had hung up. I threw away all of the notes I had taken about previous weights and goals.
I wrote up a training schedule to get me back in the gym. I forced myself to wear make up and do my hair. I even started whitening my teeth. I also spend one whole day deep cleaning my house. And every night, I spend a few minutes and clean my house. I also work less. I am not staying late and I am not working from home. Its only been a few weeks since I have started this change, but I am feeling better already. I am doing things for me.

I am going to make 2014 the year that I fall in love with Paige. I am not going to worry once about what the scale says. I am going to work my butt off at the gym and I am going to eat healthy so I can feel good. And so I can run my half marathons and beat my fastest time.

2014 is not going to be the year I become a new woman.. It is going to be the year that I find out who I am. That I find the woman inside me.

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