The emotions of losing weight!

This past week has been very real for me. And very tough. I wish I was this super human that could be motivational every day and never have sad feeling and always lose weight! I wish I could make changes in my own life that will motivate others to become a better person... It's just not happening. I am human.

I keep remembering how in elementary school no one wanted to spider with me on the swings. Why... I was too big and even if I was on the bottom, the swing would still pinch their legs. They wanted to find someone smaller.

In case you don't know what spidering on a swing is... Here you go.. Only imagine innocent little kids...

I keep remembering how in middle school I was made fun of in PE. I was called cow, and whale and I was never chose to be on the team. I was always the last choice. Who wants the chubby kid on their dodge ball team or on their kick ball team.

In high school when we all jammed into the back of the car I was on bottom. I always had two of my friends sitting on my lap. Because I took up the most space, and I was the heaviest. And I could not sit on anyone's lap.

I also only got asked on three days in High School. Two out of three were pity dates. And the third one was a man whore guy who wanted to get with his teachers daughter.

Picture of me in high school. I am in the middle of the picture in a red plaid shirt.

My first year in collage I was not asked on a single data. While all of my roomies were going on dates and coming home stary eyed... I was getting strait A's and working on keeping my full ride scholarship.

After collage I started dating on line and I turned into a slutty type girl. I figured if I could get a guy to pay attention to me, I would do just about whatever he wanted to keep him around. I really did have self esteem issues. And I had no idea how to love myself.

I finally got myself figured out and I had some self respect... and I met my neighbor. He thought I was fun, but was not attracted to me at all. I was SO not his type. We became best friends and eventually he decided he wanted to date me. When we got engaged I over heard him talking to a mutual friend. He said: "I have dated some gorgeous girls... super hott girls. Paige is not the best looking girl that I have dated by far, but I know she is the one for me because of who she helps me to become and how great of a person she is." 

Me and my hubby when we first started dating

All of these memories have been running though my head all week. I am so sick of being the fat girl. The girl of his dreams... except for how I look.

I am desperate to lose this weight. I want to NEVER have feelings of worthlessness because of my weight. I never want to be held back ever again.

I am a roller coaster of emotions. I have cried, and laughed and been angry all within hours of each other as I struggle with the scars of my past. Losing weight is more emotional than I ever thought it would be.