I bet everyone that stumbles across this blog wants to smack me upside the head. I get a really good start, and I am so motivated for two or three days, and then it all goes down the crapper. Its so much harder than I thought it would be.
Last night as I am having a breakdown I think I might have had an epiphany. I came up with these two lists:
LIST 1: I HATE looking like I do. I HATE being insecure. I HATE wondering if my husband is attracted to me. I HATE getting dressed every morning. I HATE that clothes are getting tight on me again. I HATE being worried about pulling my shirt down to cover my rolls.
List 2: I also HATE eating healthy. I HATE getting out of bed at 5:30 to go to the gym. I HATE not getting to eat desert. I HATE watching everyone around me pig out while I pick at my veggies. I HATE always being worried about calories. I HATE how guilty I feel when I eat treats.
If I am going to be happy, one of those lists has to go. Otherwise I am going to be conflicted, confused and miserable for the rest of my life.
I can either be fat and eat whatever I want and learn to love a full figured me or I can eat right and work out and enjoy a smaller me.
Up until this point my brain says, I want to be skinny and my body says I want to eat yummy easy to prepare food. And cookies. Which is why I am so depressed and unhappy with myself. I cannot keep tearing myself apart. After some soul searching - Yes I really did have to sit and think about what is going to make me the happiest - I decided that I have to give up eating whatever I want, whenever I want.
I have to embrace list number two, and some how turn those hates into something I can deal with. For the next few months, I will not be able to enjoy every meal like I have been for the last few months. But the joy of getting dressed and having my clothing be loose on me, will out weight the pain I feel when I say no to the cookie.
I have heard that after you eat healthy for a while, you start to enjoy those foods and you no longer crave the other foods. I hope that is the case, however, I am very skeptical. The only way I will really know, is to give it my best shot and buckle down and do it!
I will no longer serve two masters. So long food! We have had 26 great years. But you are out! Its now all about me! And being happy in my skin!